The ugly truth of love addiction

Today, as I sat down with my kindle to re-read the Harry Potter series all over again, I couldn't help but admit to myself that I have a serious problem regarding my lack of reading materials beyond Alice in Wonderland and Fifty shades of Grey. So I decided to broaden my horizons and do what any bored student these days is doing, which is to stare at the news feed on Facebook and hope something interesting comes up. And today, lo and behold, it actually happened.

If you've been watching Oprah recently, (and who hasn't?), you'll have seen Rihanna's latest interview with the Queen of American TV, which has brought the issue of abuse and the complex relationship women share with their abusers back to the forefront of conversation. Lots of men and women around Britain and even the world, understand the conflict of complex emotions that Rihanna describes in her interview. Wishing to be in a relationship with someone who spells out bad news and not wanting to let them go is categorized as 'love addiction', which says it all in the title, and is explained further in this video ---> What is Love Addiction? 

The problem with love addiction is the potential of emotional loss, and the detriments to both mental and physical health - ending in life threatening situations sometimes. To anyone who is out there reading this thinking the love addiction is a sort of modern day jargon that the media is spewing at us to scare us, well, sorry to burst your idyllic little bubbles but,  you're wrong. I'm writing this to let you all know how very real it all is, how very scary it all is and how much it has kept me down since I started getting involved in relationships.  If a lot has been said about the consistency of love addiction, abusive relationships or co dependency, I seem to have missed it. Now I look at it properly, it's a no brainer that these three would go hand in hand.

The recovery from love addiction or co- dependency is much more difficult than recovering from more tangible addictions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or, in my case, shopping for shoes. And clothes. And chocolate chip cookies from Tesco. You can't cut the world out and go cold turkey on the whole thing - learning how to handle your attachments to others may sound like a walk in the park when actually, (especially with those who have experienced early damaged relationships), it is like learning how to run before walking. Speaking from experience, I have to say the hardest part of all that is being able to recognise what a healthy relationship is and what it isn't, because sometimes, it's absolutely impossible to tell. Is it alright if your partner screams bloody murder at you because you forget to pick up some milk up for the cat on the way home from work? Is it ok for them to humiliate you in front of your friends or family? Is it ok for them to cheat or lie to you?  NO. Whether you are male or female, that behaviour is unacceptable. Yet, I have been through these relationships and somehow, made enough excuses to convince myself to stick around.  Abusive relationships eat away at self esteem and confidence, and, sadly, victims believe that they aren't strong enough to leave.

You all may not think I'm the type to tolerate being effectively bossed around; I like to think that  I am a somewhat intelligent, (I passed my driving test first time round, right?), confident, (despite being depressed) and accomplished young woman, who knows where she is going in life. My downfall is that there is some part of me that has persistently ignored the bad traits in an individual and focused on their good traits. The problem is that when we are programmed that way, we find it difficult to condemn the way people are treating us and therefore, difficult to leave. It's even more difficult to leave when we fear being alone with the voices in our head. No? Guess that's just me then...

The issue with abusive relationships is that most people refuse to accept that they are in one, because it is so difficult to categorize what abuse is. So, what do we imagine when we hear the words 'abusive relationship?'

Most of us jump to the obvious conclusion and dream up violent scenarios, mostly consisting of women playing the role of victim, with friends coming into school with a black eye after a fight with their partner, or women being beaten by their partners. (Typical sexism if I ever saw it.)

The fact is that victims of abusive relationships don't always have the obvious symptoms like noticeable bruising or black eyes. In fact, many people in abusive relationships have never had a finger laid on them by their boyfriend of girlfriend.  The media highlights the violent side of abusive relationships because it's so much easier to recognise but, abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. Emotional violence can cause just as much damage as physical abuse without leaving a visible scratch. The problem with that is that people with little or no relationship experience can confuse possessiveness and jealousy with love, and not recognise that their partner is actually abusing them.

Words are just as bad as fists 

Contrary to popular belief, abusive relationships aren't abusive all of the time, so it is common for victims to downplay the abuse and focus on the good qualities that their partner has. Additionally, victims are often scared of what their partner might do if they break up. Just because they say they're going to kill themselves if you leave them, doesn't mean that they will. And sometimes, it may not even be a bad thing if they go through with it.

Yes I'm joking! I think..

Anyway, I think that the worst abuse is at the hands of the individual - it has been at my own hands that I suffered the most in the situations that I tolerated for so long. It has been no easy road to recovery and I think I have gained about fifty stone in eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Now I look back on it, I think I have always been a co dependent, a title I have branded myself with and struggled to escape from for many years. Thankfully, a network of supportive people who were in the right place at the right time woke me up with a bucket full of icy reality, along with books that described how I was feeling in detail. It was such a relief to have a label to my strangely wonderful behaviour of love addiction.

It isn't an issue that is exactly publicised as much as more commonly heard addictions. I would say that love addiction is on par with alcoholism and it often hides behind other addictions so it's so much harder to spot. It's a problem I've recently overcome by choosing a healthier partner and discussing these issues through counselling. The focus is already shifting onto what should be the most important thing at the moment; MY LIFE.

Now that I'm in a better place, I'd like to think that if I was confronted with another man who cannot respect me, I'd walk away before that anger had a chance to turn for the worst. The freedom to be who I want without being argued with 24/7 has given me the chance to get writing blogs like this, and become that person that I would never have had the confidence to be before.