No more silence against violence - White Ribbon Day

Isn't it crazy how all of the work you have to do kind of crashes down on you, making you forget the most important thing in your life? Ok yes, it's sad that my blog is one of the most important things to me but I do have other things to look after too. The growing pile of dishes in the kitchen sink perhaps? Or the laundry basket that's overflowing with alcohol smelling clothes? Or maybe my boyfriend? I guess I like him enough to check up on him every now and then.

I suppose I'm trying to justify my long term absence from this blog but, well, I can't. All I can say in my defense is that the second year of university is not all as rosy and simple as I first thought, the newspaper is (as usual) happily eating away at my existence (not that I'm complaining), I finally found an employer who wants to employ me and, aside from this, I have stuff to do. Striking the balance between blogging, working, sleeping, eating and getting pissed is much harder than I thought and hopefully, I will strike that balance soon.

Now, as you all may or not know, today (which is the 25th November, 2012), is White Ribbon Day - The annual pinnacle of a wider campaign to urge men and boys to wear a white ribbon as visible pledges to never commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. What's so great about this campaign is that it's male-led, which means that men are actively involved in campaigning against such violence alongside women. For me, this is an added bonus because I just don't think that men either actively participate or feel able to participate in such campaigns because they are men. But that's for another blog.

Even if the women's officer, Becki Warrillow, at my students' union wasn't doing such a fantastic job of raising awareness on campus and going out of her way to get me so involved in the day, it would still be a subject that's close to my heart. I'm not usually one to jump on what most people refer to as the band wagon, and it is very very out of character for me to promote events on my blog but, today, out of the kindness of my heart, I do so, just because I care.

I've previously wrote a blog about this sort of thing (so sorry to be a bit repetitive) which is aptly named 'The ugly truth of love addiction' which, you can access here -----> The Ugly Truth of Love Addiction 

According to some very handy statistics I found a while back during summer when I had nothing better to do (how I miss those days), love addiction is one of the main causes in explaining why domestic violence against both men and women goes on for so long without being reported.

According to statistics, about one in six women have experienced domestic violence from either a previous relationship or with a current partner. That roughly equates to about 1.3 million women.

45% of women have experienced some form of domestic violence, sexual assault or stalking.

21% of girls experience some form of child sexual abuse.

At least 80,000 women are raped in the UK on an annual basis.

On average, two women a week in England and Wales are killed by a violent partner or ex partner. This constitutes nearly 40% of all female homicide victims.

"It's my own fault" - Two women in the UK are killed every week by a male partner. Say no to violence against women
http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2011/12/youfem_domestic

And these are just the reported cases. This doesn't even cover the hundred of incidents that happen daily that go unreported and there is no one to stand up for these women who suffer in silence and say that no, actually it is not ok to be violent against women, be in physical, sexual, mental, emotional, financial and institutional. I have spoken to many friends who have been in this position and the typical "this isn't as bad as other women have it." or "he doesn't hit me." charade drives me up the wall. My friends and I have rarely spoken about domestic abuse, but when we have, I have never found myself saying the words "No, actually I don't think that you aren't experiencing domestic abuse."

That speaks for itself really.

It's not that we all have bad boyfriends - most of my friends have now been with their other halves for nearing 3 years and are still going strong. For me, the scariest part about these conversations is that most of us wouldn't recognise ourselves as being in abusive relationships because we're all so happy with our partners. You know the kind of happy I mean - all sickly sweet, roses and heart shaped things and whatnot.

Domestic Violence

More often than not, the ideas my friends and I, and society have about domestic abuse stem from media coverage, TV programmes and societal stereotypes.  Many women suffer abuse, but do nothing about it because they don't feel that they fit into this profile, or they don't understand what the umbrella term 'domestic violence' actually covers.  Like some people I know, some feel that their experiences just aren't bad enough to discuss. Why women feel that they are so insignificant in the world is beyond me but you are not. Everyone has a place and everyone has a right to speak up and make others listen.

I'm not preaching here that all men are evil and women are completely angelic. It simply isn't the case - Most men are not violent towards their better halves, but it is a problem that has yet to be tackled efficiently because it still goes on. I've been in relationships which I now recognise as being mentally unhealthy for me, shall we say, and it's very real and very scary when you're on the other side of it and looking back at it and thinking, "How bloody stupid could I possibly have gotten?" To be frank, it upsets me even now that I naively allowed myself to be put into such positions and I am eternally grateful that I am no longer in them and am now happy in myself.

Women aren't perfect. I can assure you that I'm often a bitch of a girlfriend and that my boyfriend would not be hasty in agreeing with me on that one. I'm needy, I'm whiny, I'm bitchy and I'm constantly looking for attention. When I'm not moaning about my hair not sitting right or being fat, I have my hand in a packet of crisps or a bag of chocolate buttons. I love shoes and clothes and handbags more than people, and spend my time complaining about the two. Like the majority of womankind, I moan a fair bit about this and that and everything in between. But, for all of my shortcomings, I would never ever raise a hand to anyone.

What angers me more than anything is that some men use the shortcomings of women as an excuse to be violent. In March this year, Actor Dennis Waterman, admitted that he had punched his former wife for being "too intelligent." I'm not entirely sure whether this is meant as a compliment or as a devise of blame, but either way, it's wrong. Even I will admit that I like to push my boyfriend's buttons, but I'm sure that he would never raise a hand to me, especially not for being more intelligent than him. Considering that he is English and I am Welsh, that's deemed to be impossible.

White Ribbon Day only highlights for me that we still have a long way to go in preventing domestic abuse against not only women, but also men. We as a society need to band together to actually discuss domestic abuse and make it more prominent in the eyes of the media - If we were to work on dispelling the myths of domestic abuse and what a victim looks like, we may be able to make it easier for people experiencing domestic abuse to come forward and talk about their experiences and, to more importantly, access support. We know that there are many issues surrounding domestic abuse, all adding up to the million and one reasons as to why talking about it is so difficult.

Realistically, the issue is something that our society needs to discuss which is why this campaign is so great. It pushes all the issues that we don't want to see to the forefront of our minds which, in the long run, is going to not only help people to understand what is categorised as domestic violence, but to save lives.

And if that's not a reason to celebrate campaigns such as this, then I don't know what is. 

Swansea University Students' Union and Swansea Metropolitan Students' Union raising awareness of White Ribbon Day - Designed by Sink Swansea artists. 

Watch this video made to promote White Ribbon Day by our very own Media Society at Swansea University -----> White Ribbon Day - Swansea Uni and Swansea Met SU 

The ugly truth of love addiction

Today, as I sat down with my kindle to re-read the Harry Potter series all over again, I couldn't help but admit to myself that I have a serious problem regarding my lack of reading materials beyond Alice in Wonderland and Fifty shades of Grey. So I decided to broaden my horizons and do what any bored student these days is doing, which is to stare at the news feed on Facebook and hope something interesting comes up. And today, lo and behold, it actually happened.

If you've been watching Oprah recently, (and who hasn't?), you'll have seen Rihanna's latest interview with the Queen of American TV, which has brought the issue of abuse and the complex relationship women share with their abusers back to the forefront of conversation. Lots of men and women around Britain and even the world, understand the conflict of complex emotions that Rihanna describes in her interview. Wishing to be in a relationship with someone who spells out bad news and not wanting to let them go is categorized as 'love addiction', which says it all in the title, and is explained further in this video ---> What is Love Addiction? 

The problem with love addiction is the potential of emotional loss, and the detriments to both mental and physical health - ending in life threatening situations sometimes. To anyone who is out there reading this thinking the love addiction is a sort of modern day jargon that the media is spewing at us to scare us, well, sorry to burst your idyllic little bubbles but,  you're wrong. I'm writing this to let you all know how very real it all is, how very scary it all is and how much it has kept me down since I started getting involved in relationships.  If a lot has been said about the consistency of love addiction, abusive relationships or co dependency, I seem to have missed it. Now I look at it properly, it's a no brainer that these three would go hand in hand.

The recovery from love addiction or co- dependency is much more difficult than recovering from more tangible addictions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or, in my case, shopping for shoes. And clothes. And chocolate chip cookies from Tesco. You can't cut the world out and go cold turkey on the whole thing - learning how to handle your attachments to others may sound like a walk in the park when actually, (especially with those who have experienced early damaged relationships), it is like learning how to run before walking. Speaking from experience, I have to say the hardest part of all that is being able to recognise what a healthy relationship is and what it isn't, because sometimes, it's absolutely impossible to tell. Is it alright if your partner screams bloody murder at you because you forget to pick up some milk up for the cat on the way home from work? Is it ok for them to humiliate you in front of your friends or family? Is it ok for them to cheat or lie to you?  NO. Whether you are male or female, that behaviour is unacceptable. Yet, I have been through these relationships and somehow, made enough excuses to convince myself to stick around.  Abusive relationships eat away at self esteem and confidence, and, sadly, victims believe that they aren't strong enough to leave.

You all may not think I'm the type to tolerate being effectively bossed around; I like to think that  I am a somewhat intelligent, (I passed my driving test first time round, right?), confident, (despite being depressed) and accomplished young woman, who knows where she is going in life. My downfall is that there is some part of me that has persistently ignored the bad traits in an individual and focused on their good traits. The problem is that when we are programmed that way, we find it difficult to condemn the way people are treating us and therefore, difficult to leave. It's even more difficult to leave when we fear being alone with the voices in our head. No? Guess that's just me then...

The issue with abusive relationships is that most people refuse to accept that they are in one, because it is so difficult to categorize what abuse is. So, what do we imagine when we hear the words 'abusive relationship?'

Most of us jump to the obvious conclusion and dream up violent scenarios, mostly consisting of women playing the role of victim, with friends coming into school with a black eye after a fight with their partner, or women being beaten by their partners. (Typical sexism if I ever saw it.)

The fact is that victims of abusive relationships don't always have the obvious symptoms like noticeable bruising or black eyes. In fact, many people in abusive relationships have never had a finger laid on them by their boyfriend of girlfriend.  The media highlights the violent side of abusive relationships because it's so much easier to recognise but, abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. Emotional violence can cause just as much damage as physical abuse without leaving a visible scratch. The problem with that is that people with little or no relationship experience can confuse possessiveness and jealousy with love, and not recognise that their partner is actually abusing them.

Words are just as bad as fists 

Contrary to popular belief, abusive relationships aren't abusive all of the time, so it is common for victims to downplay the abuse and focus on the good qualities that their partner has. Additionally, victims are often scared of what their partner might do if they break up. Just because they say they're going to kill themselves if you leave them, doesn't mean that they will. And sometimes, it may not even be a bad thing if they go through with it.

Yes I'm joking! I think..

Anyway, I think that the worst abuse is at the hands of the individual - it has been at my own hands that I suffered the most in the situations that I tolerated for so long. It has been no easy road to recovery and I think I have gained about fifty stone in eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Now I look back on it, I think I have always been a co dependent, a title I have branded myself with and struggled to escape from for many years. Thankfully, a network of supportive people who were in the right place at the right time woke me up with a bucket full of icy reality, along with books that described how I was feeling in detail. It was such a relief to have a label to my strangely wonderful behaviour of love addiction.

It isn't an issue that is exactly publicised as much as more commonly heard addictions. I would say that love addiction is on par with alcoholism and it often hides behind other addictions so it's so much harder to spot. It's a problem I've recently overcome by choosing a healthier partner and discussing these issues through counselling. The focus is already shifting onto what should be the most important thing at the moment; MY LIFE.

Now that I'm in a better place, I'd like to think that if I was confronted with another man who cannot respect me, I'd walk away before that anger had a chance to turn for the worst. The freedom to be who I want without being argued with 24/7 has given me the chance to get writing blogs like this, and become that person that I would never have had the confidence to be before.