Giving up new year's resolutions

I've never really enjoyed New Years Eve.

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous because it's one of the few days of the year that people are legitimately licensed to get drunk before midnight with not only your friends, but your parents and (if you're me or you live in an incredibly small village/town) your grandparents. I have no objections to putting my liver through such hefty alcohol abuse, and there's no issue whatsoever with making a fool out of myself as I declare my undying love for the other drunks in the pub/bar/club or general space I'm inhabiting. It's just that it gets me down - makes me all melancholic and remorseful and more whiny than usual.

When I'm not complaining to the point of epic 'please-shut-the-hell-up' proportions about what I should have done with the previous year, how my body weight has sky rocketed and doubled over the last two weeks of the Christmas holidays, and of the state of my car which I have still failed to clean out, I'm left wondering idly why the goddess and beacon of all that is wonderful that is me is not enjoying the new year's celebrations. Mostly.

This year, I found myself fighting through crowds in London, jumping barriers and feeling like a complete idiot as I hoisted my very overdressed legs over iron barriers whilst carrying two bottles of Smirnoff ice. I found myself in Trafalgar square at midnight, watching the fireworks that were happening around the corner go off on a big screen next to Nelson's column. With my loving and wonderful boyfriend next to me, wearing a beanie hat, smoking a cigar and drinking gin and tonic from a can, I realised two very important things.

1) I've never enjoyed new years eve because I'm anticipating the let down that will transpire after I've made my 'new year resolutions.'

2) I am a proper Billy no mates.

Many of us make personal pledges to improve our lives at the beginning of a new year. We delude ourselves into believing that the beginning of every new year leads on to a brand new us. We have decided that we will all work out every day, go gluten-free, think more positive thoughts or do more random acts of kindness.

It's the one tradition that I could never and will never be able to wrap my head around. Let's face it folks, new year's resolutions are just plain stupid. Yep, there we go. I've actually said it. Choosing one single day to start a major life change just isn't logical, which is why the majority don't work and most of us end up feeling like failures until next year. I'm not saying some haven't been successful - just that a lot go unfulfilled. Just imagine - if every single person in the UK promised to diet and go to the gym every week as a part of their resolution, we'd be a much thinner society and I, a much more jealous woman.

So, why do so many of us make and break our yearly resolutions to read more books, work harder in life, quit smoking, be healthier and to look after our money a bit better? You'll be pleased to know that I think I've nailed it in three points.

1) We anticipate too much and want it all too quickly.

In this life, there are two types of people. There are the incredibly irritating ones who can pick up a new hobby or take on a challenge like it's absolutely nothing. And then, there are people who are, well, more normal and realistic. For example, a friend of mine has the amazing ability to pick up instruments and just play them like a pro, which I'm insanely jealous of right now, as I try to fathom out the mandolin my father impulsively bought me for Christmas. In short, they have that both wonderful and annoying ability to effortlessly succeed in everything they do.

Unfortunately, most of the British population and in fact, normal people, are not this person. If you are, (like me), woefully and pathetically out of shape, gathering sponsorship to run a marathon by the following summer isn't only demoralizing, it's downright madness. Of course, that doesn't mean that anyone should now abandon their desires to lose weight, be healthier, run marathons, swim the English channel, drink less or learn to play volleyball, just because I've said so. I'm just saying we need to be realistic about our expectations - some targets just aren't reachable and need modification. As well as time.

2) Giving up because the results don't come quickly enough.

I've been to the gym once before for five minutes of torture to welcome in the new year, followed by a hasty retreat. In the time that have passed since, I have longed to lose weight and to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without collapsing. But the gym, for me, is not the place to do that, with the bacon sandwiches in the cafe next door tempting me as soon as I walk outside. And it is especially not the place to do it at the beginning of the year.

I know of people that have and that go to the gym on a regular basis, but they know to avoid it during the month of January. Without fail, in January, people flock from left, right and centre to get in shape. The treadmills and free weights are occupied from dusk to dawn with these people who are determined to fight the flab. But, by February, the gym is usually empty again and my friends can return to lifting weights in relative peace for the rest of the year.

New year's resolutions are nearly always sincere - people don't say to themselves on January first "Yes - this year, I think I'll make a half - arsed attempt to lose a bit of weight and eat healthier." People do want to be able to cut back on the sweets and quit smoking, but it requires commitment, not just on January first, but on the second and the third and every day that follows up until December.

3) The first of January is an awful starting point

Of all the days we can choose to start making a major difference to our lives, January the first has to be, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst. It's the one day of the year in which the entire nation is collectively waking up with severe headaches and incurable hangovers. Collectively, we drag ourselves to our kitchens, which are decimated from the previous evening, pour ourselves cups of coffee or glasses of water. Fresh in our drunken humiliation, we remember the new year has happened and try to convince ourselves that, yes, today is the day I'm going to become a better person.

Urgh.

It's completely understandable why January the first seems like the best day to start fresh and anew. It marks the end of the holidays - the end of the presents, large and fattening meals, the gingerbread cookies, the champagne at 11 am  the eggnog and mulled wine. But, just because something so wonderful has ended, does it really mean we have to make ourselves over to mark that?

Probably not.

It's not like all the physical remains of the holidays magically disappear at the stroke of midnight on January first. The remains of the Christmas tree stay up for another week and I've heard that fruitcake lasts a hell of a long time beyond Christmas day. My point is that making a significant lifestyle change isn't easy - you're either ready to do it there and then or you aren't. The beginning of a new year isn't going to make it any easier on you to go out for a daily run. If anything, the cold weather and the tight shorts combo you've been eyeing up will make it damn near impossible.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...

Now that's over and done with, I'm off to finish off the essays that I promised I would have finished by now, and to do all the work I have procrastinated against until now, hereby marking my glorious failure of Gemma Parry's 2012 new year's resolution.

I'll come up with one for 2013 in June, when I know where I'm better placed for success.